Thursday, September 16, 2010

So Tired So Sleepy


So I'm keeping my promise by blogging today. I feel good about that. I just don't really feel like writing about anything so I'll probably write about everything. I feel so drained. Being sick is really messing me up. Also, I'm afraid people won't invite me to go places with them anymore because I keep not going. It's already started, people have stopped inviting me. They just leave without me. I want to go I just don't have the energy. I don't know if they know that though.

Eric (my fiance, for anyone who doesn't know) thinks I complain about being sick and stressing about my classes too much so... I won't talk about that. I have always done that. I'm trying to figure out why. I don't think of it as complaining either though it probably still is. It's just something that's bothering me, at the forefront, at the tip of my mind, so to type. So since that's what I'm thinking about that's what I type about or converse about. It's really just talking about what's on my mind, not complaining. I just wish I had good things to talk about. I wish there were good things at the forefront, at the tip of my mind. But instead I've just been trying to shake off being sick and trying to go to class and do my homework. I'm not exactly having amazing adventures in China right now.

I read somewhere that the average adult laughs 7 times a day. I haven't been laughing a lot lately, definitely less than average. I need to find a way to watch The Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Those shows always crack me up. Coughing has replaced laughing.

What is there to laugh about anyway when random tragedy can strike at any time? I mean, my problems are trivial and meaningless compared to what's happened to Eric's aunt: home evasion, boyfriend shot dead, shot 4 times then kept under blankets for three hours with no medical care and just some sips of water. All because the cops wouldn't stop a speeding car. Maybe in a few months she'll have physically recovered and then in two years maybe she'll emotionally recover. It's horrible. I wish I could do more than just sit behind a computer screen but I can't. I want to give Eric a hug but I can't. Bad things didn't use to happen around me but whatever good luck I had evaporated a while ago. I almost feel like I did something wrong to lose the shield that prevented tragedy from happening to me and people I care about.

At least Eric's family is gathering around his aunt, creating a support network. She was estranged and now that they almost lost her everyone has realized how important she is to them and is reconnecting with her. At least that's one positive. I understand that, I've been through it.

I've been through this enough now that I can discern a pattern in the way that I react to horrible things:

Step One: Shock. I numbly take in the information about the event and ask questions when necessary.

Step Two: The horror of it hits me and I start to cry.

Step Three: I stop crying and file the event somewhere else in my head, maybe I cry about it later.

Step Four: I try to avoid mentioning the details of the incident to the people most directly involved. I use euphemistic phrasing if it is brought up and I don't bring it up myself. I don't often ask for information. I don't want to upset them. In some cases this has led to me not knowing all the details about an event. But sometimes I don't think I want them. It's like I try to pretend it never happened. I don't like upsetting people unnecessarily and I don't want to dwell on things because then I won't get them out of my head. I have a vivid imagination and I can always see it all playing out over and over again in my head. So, I just try to go about my everyday life and not think about it or I'll never stop. I think I also do it because I can't deal with other people's pain. I feel so helpless when confronted with it. I don't know how to comfort them. I really want to help and I want to be there for them but I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do. I hate that. Hugging is my only recourse.

Well, that's all for tonight. I'm going to read my newest eBook on my laptop and lose myself in someone else's story. When I get hungry I'll eat a ham and cheese sandwich with some milk tea and then go to sleep. Just trying to go about my everyday life.


P.S. My water tastes like dirt. Bleh.

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